When You Are The Problem

Our kids often reflect what we repeatedly model, which means the most courageous parenting move is to look in the mirror before we correct behavior. We walk through four common heart patterns that shape a home and three practical, gospel-centered steps for real change. 

• parents as the environment and why modeling matters more than talking 
• why healthy parenting tracks with our walk with Christ 
• parental anxiety as a trust issue and how kids absorb chronic worry 
• parental ambition that makes love feel conditional and sets impossible standards 
• anger that trains children in conflict, including silent withdrawal 
• people pleasing as fear of man and why boundaries protect formation 
• a heart audit with four diagnostic questions to examine motives 
• repairing quickly and openly through confession, apology, and prayer 
• returning to the vine through abiding, prayer, and spiritual dependence 

If this episode encouraged you, please share it with another parent who could use that as well. And be sure to subscribe so you don't miss our next episode. 

Send any questions you want answered to podcast@waynechristian.org

This podcast is presented by Wayne Christian School- A Christ-centered community school whose mission is to assist parents and churches in the education of their children from a biblical worldview to impact their world for Christ. You can learn more at waynechristian.org 

Transcript

When Frustration Points Back To Us

Luis 0:00

Think about the last time your child's behavior really frustrated you. Now ask yourself a harder question.

Nate 0:07

Where did they learn that? Because a lot of the time, when we follow the roots of what we don't like in our kids all the way down, we find ourselves at the bottom.

Luis 0:16

Today we're going to do something that takes a little courage. We're going to talk about what happens when the parent is the problem. We're not here to pile on guilt, but because the most powerful thing you can do for your child's discipleship is to start with your own heart.

Nate 0:41

Welcome to Equipped for Impact, the podcast designed to assist Christian parents, leaders, and educators to raise up the next generation to stand firm in their faith and influence the world for Christ. We're your hosts. I'm Nate. And I'm Lewis. And we are glad you're here with us today, where we are covering today's episode called When You Are the Problem. Wow. Lewis, you are the problem. We are the problem. We know you. Me. Yeah. Isn't there a Taylor Swift song about that?

SPEAKER_02 1:12

No.

Why Parenting Starts With The Mirror

Nate 1:12

I'm the problem. I don't listen to her. It's me. I don't listen to her. Neither do I, but I hard saw a headline about it. Um that's as far as my music knowledge goes. Uh but today we're talking about how parent anxiety, ambition, anger, people pleasing, all of these things actually shape our kids in ways we often don't see until it's almost too late. And so we're gonna, you know, go through this today, and we're gonna go through these things with grace, right? Because the gospel is here for the parent who's willing to ask the hard questions and see where we need to change. And so here's the thing most parenting content is about what to do with your child, right? And even this podcast, right, Lewis, we we talk a lot about how can you respond when your child does, you know, X, Y, Z, whatever. You know, there's strategies, there's frameworks, conversations, all of that matters, but very little of it starts by asking the parent to look in the mirror.

Luis 2:10

And there's a reason for that. Because looking in the mirror is uncomfortable. And it's always a lot easier to analyze our child's behavior than to examine what we might be modeling that led them there. And Paul Tripp kind of forms this idea when it comes to parenting, is that our parenting is only going to be as healthy as our personal walk with Christ. And so he formulates that idea in a lot of his books and just kind of as he as he gives talks on parenting. And we've referenced Paul Tripp many times before. And that's where the foundation of everything that we're going to say today starts, right? With parents looking in the mirror because our parenting is only going to be as healthy as our walk with Jesus is.

Nate 3:05

That's right. And I even, you know, I I talked with a pastor once and was asking for different recommendations of like counselors, where, you know, hey, where can a a child go to see a biblical counselor, get help, that type of thing. And one of the things that pastor told me was that he always recommends to a counselor, and a lot of the biblical counselors who are doing this from a biblical perspective, they actually don't just specialize with children because many times the issues stem from what's going on with the parents. And so the counselors don't want to just have a kid talk about their feelings, they want to work with the whole family and the parents too, because that's really where it comes from.

Luis 3:50

That's really good.

Nate 3:50

Yeah. And and research is is coming out that that confirms this. Harvard, we had to look this up because it's not like we read Harvard research all the time, but Harvard's uh Making Caring Common Project actually shows that most childhood stress originates not from peers or school, but actually from parental pressure, either parental emotional volatility, parental anxiety. It's not in the culture, it's not social media, although both of those things play a role. It's the parents who end up putting so much pressure on their kids that they start dealing with some of these problems.

Luis 4:26

And we want to be careful here, right? Because we're not saying that parents are the enemy. No, no, no, absolutely not. Like we know the role of parents and we respect the authority of parents, right?

Nate 4:37

In fact, I've got about 56 episodes you can listen to that show that we are obviously pro-parent when it comes to all of this.

Parental Anxiety And Quiet Unbelief

Luis 4:47

Absolutely. But what we are saying is that parents are the environment. Yep. And the parents create the environment, and the environment that your child grows up in is shaped by who you are as a parent more than anything that you're going to say. And so let's talk about the four places where that's going to show up the most.

Nate 5:12

Yeah. And this is not an exhaustive list. So when we go through these four patterns or four areas, don't think that it's these are the only four, but these are very common ones, okay? So the first one is anxiety. And and we want to be careful, right? Because anxiety is is real, it's common. It's it's even more common today than in the past. And we've talked about that before of where some of this comes from from the prevalence of social media and 24-7 news cycle and and things like that that really just boost anxiety. But in some forms, you know, it it is this legitimate, you know, challenge that people are dealing with. And so, but there's also this form of parental anxiety that almost functions as a spiritual posture because really the root of anxiety comes down to faith. Yeah. And and a lack of it, right? Yeah. Jesus, when he's talking uh to his disciples and he he frequently says, Oh, you of little faith, right? But he talks about the anxiety that comes from not trusting God. And that's that's really is you're quietly saying, I don't trust God with my child, my child's future and who they are even today.

Luis 6:25

And kids are going to absorb that posture without a word being spoken, right? There are multiple studies, including one that was published by the Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, that shows that when parents are more anxious, their children are significantly more likely to struggle with anxiety as well. And when we consistently model chronic worry, we powerfully shape the way our kids learn to see the world and then often making anxiety their default way of responding to life. I was having an interesting conversation recently with a couple of gentlemen, and we were discussing right now in our area the gas prices and how high they are. Yep. And I just kind of made a joking comment that I was disappointed in our president because gas prices were so high, knowing that our president is not the cause of higher gas prices, right? And so their response was, well, at least we don't have to worry about Iran having nuclear bombs and nuking us. And I kind of chuckled because I thought they were joking, but they were serious. And so then I made the comment like, you know, in my 40 years of life, not once did I ever have a fear that we would be nuked by Iran. But it hit me like these men believe that and had a genuine anxiety or fear about that happening. Wow. And the people that they're around are influenced by that. And so, parents, that's kind of a humorous thing to talk about, but the things that you're anxious about, if that's your default way of responding to life, your kids are going to absorb. Yeah, you remember COVID?

Nate 8:23

I do. It was it was like a a pretty big thing for a while. And I just remember during that time frame, because that's it, we've we mentioned it, but it's that 24-7 news cycle. And so people were just constantly like on this and tracking, you know, how many cases and where they were, especially the early days of COVID. Like looking back on that, it's so like it's so strange that we did. Yeah. And then the fact that the whole toilet paper shortage was literally just people overreacting to potential that somebody put up there about a store being out of toilet paper and then everybody panicked and bought toilet paper, and so the supply chain couldn't keep up because everybody was afraid they were gonna run out of toilet paper, and so then they bought more toilet paper and just made the problem worse. And it was like this whole thing. Yeah, yeah. Like, I bet there's still some people out there that are still using COVID toilet paper. That was stashed away, probably. Yeah, it would not surprise me. It's like they're like even the preppers have too much toilet paper. There's like a storage bin somewhere in somebody's extra toilet paper. Anyway, but getting us back on track, okay. I mentioned Matthew chapter six and the Sermon on the Mount and all of that, and that's actually where Jesus directly addresses this. In verse 25, he says, Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you'll eat, drink, about your body, what you'll put on. And then, you know, he uses the birds of the air and the you know that God feeds them and the clothes and all of that. He says, Why are you anxious about this? Uh, why are you anxious about these things? He said, Uh, which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his lifespan? And like the answer there is nobody, right? Obviously, nobody can do that. And so, you know, the the answer is is not to worry, right? Because our worry can absolutely subtract peace and security from our lives and and by proxy our children's lives. And so, you know, we want to make sure that our kids can see how we deal with legitimate worries and stress, and they should hear you pray, right, and bring those things to God and not just carry them loudly around the house about all the things that you're anxious about. That's good, that's good.

Luis 10:34

And I I love how one translation uses the word worrying instead of anxious. Yeah. Because some people might be like, Well, I'm not anxious, but the root they're really about that worry.

Nate 10:46

We get really good with synonyms when we're trying to justify our actions. Yeah, yeah. I'm not worried, I'm just concerned. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:53

Okay.

Nate 10:54

I'm not anxious, you know. I'm just I'm just worrying. I'm just worried. Yeah.

Luis 10:58

So well, the second pattern is ambition. And ambition is not inherently wrong. In fact, for longtime listeners, you'll remember that we did a whole series on redirecting ambition back towards kingdom purposes. Yep. But parental ambition, the kind that quietly turns a child's life into a performance, that is a different and dangerous thing.

Nate 11:25

Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's right. And and here's the question really we need to ask ourselves is whose dream is your child living? Because for a lot of parents, they've outsourced their unfulfilled ambitions to their children without realizing it. And the spiritual damage is is subtle sometimes, but it is very serious because it teaches your child that love is conditional. We've talked about that before here as well. You know, we had that that miniseries that you just mentioned, Lewis, the the achievement trap. That was episodes 49, 50, 51 that we we talked through that. And so it's it's recent that we we went through these, but you know, it it's it's teaching your kids that your approval and by extension, God's approval, is tied to their performance in things that maybe they at the end of the day don't actually care about themselves. It's just you trying to live vicariously through your child. And so it can be dangerous there.

Luis 12:22

We actually, you know, I've mentioned it before. Some listeners know my daughter plays high-level national travel soccer. Interestingly enough, some people may think that we push that on her or that we make that a driving force in our family. But we sit down at the end of every soccer season and we ask, Do you want to continue doing this? Like we like we leave the door open every season to say, do you still enjoy this? Do you still want to do this? Because if not, it's okay. Like we're perfectly fine you doing something different. And if you want to do it, we're gonna support it and we're gonna encourage it and we're gonna and we're going to support you. But we also want you to know that your identity is not connected to this.

Nate 13:05

Yeah.

Luis 13:06

And and we intentionally do that, but I know that some people listening don't do that, right? Like they are bound and determined, like, this is what my child's gonna become. They're going to become. I've heard parents say, my child is gonna become a NFL football player, my child's gonna become a major league baseball player.

Nate 13:24

Or maybe they bring it down and they're just like, You gotta get this scholarship because then otherwise you can't pay for college. And it's like, uh yes, you can. There's other ways to do that.

Luis 13:31

And so you just have to recognize that you don't need to set these standards so high. In fact, Ephesians 6.4 commands fathers to not exasperate their children. And that Greek word there in some translations becomes provoke, to embitter. But I really like this one, right? To frustrate through impossible standards. Ah, yeah. And so driven parenting that loads a child with expectations that they cannot meet, it's not just bad strategy, right? It's a biblical violation. You are violating your role as a parent. And so the check there is simple. When your child succeeds, who feels better? Right? If the honest answer is primarily you, then you need to examine that.

Nate 14:20

Yeah, that's right. And that's that's funny because my children will quote that verse back to me when I'm telling too many dad jokes. Oh, and they're like, Dad, you're supposed to not exasperate us. And I'm like, let's talk about the Greek word there for a second.

Luis 14:33

Because it really means to set impossible standards.

Nate 14:35

Which maybe maybe my dad jokes do set an impossible standard.

Luis 14:38

Maybe they're realizing like I can never live up to that kind of joke.

Nate 14:41

Exactly. Yep. I just can't get that punchline.

Luis 14:44

You need to ask them. Okay. Can you say, like, am I setting impossible standards for you when I say this joke?

Nate 14:48

You just think that every man for the rest of your life is gonna have to be as funny as your own father.

Luis 14:54

Do you watch that video I sent you this weekend about the dad joke about survivors?

Anger That Teaches Fear And Control

Nate 14:58

That's a that's a classic one. Like a dad joke survivor. My goodness. All right. So speaking of anger, this is our third one is anger, right? Every parent has had that moment where they've lost their temper. I was talking to uh a group of parents at my church, and we were making jokes about how, you know, when you have your first child and you're getting ready to take him home from the hospital and they they force you, like I think it's a at least a state law, it might be a national law, like you have to watch that the silent scream video. Not the silent scream, what do they call it? Anyway, it's like the the baby shaking video. Like if your baby keeps crying, don't shake them to get them to be quiet. And we're like, why who would like shake their baby because they would stop won't stop crying? Yeah. And then it's like two weeks later you hit that point where your baby won't stop crying. And you're like, ah, now I know why I wanted to watch the I had to watch that video. Thank yeah, thank you video. Thank you video for telling us because shaking them will not make them stop. But okay, uh f on a a serious note, right? Every parent has lost their temper. And the question is not whether you get angry or not, right? The question is what your anger is teaching your children about conflict, about power, about what love looks like under pressure. And so we that's a that's one of these patterns we have to deal with here.

Luis 16:13

And the good news is that the Bible talks about this too, right? In James 1, we're reminded to let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. And so we know that anger produces something else entirely. And children who are raised in homes that have high parental anger are significantly more likely to struggle with emotional regulation themselves. And we teach them how to handle frustration by how we handle our own.

Nate 16:46

Right. And it doesn't have to necessarily be an outburst of anger. There's a version of this that, you know, it never raises its voice. It's that cold silence, the withdrawal, the sharp looks. It's a presence that makes everyone walk on eggshells. And it's still anger, even if it's not that outburst, right? And so that type of anger and withdrawal, the silent kind, it's still shaping your children too, right? And so when you as a parent, when we as parents fail to quickly repair the relationship and repair it openly and honestly, it's gonna struggle, right? And so, you know, the your children learn from that. And so from that moment onward, right, it's it's a discipleship moment, even when you are, you know, making those opportunities and and taking advantage of them to really care for your children. It's how you deal with it when it's under when you're under pressure. Yeah.

Luis 17:47

And then the fourth pattern is people pleasing. And this one is sneaky because it can look like kindness, right? It can look like flexibility. I just want to help. Yeah, it can look like being the cool parent, right? Yep. But what it actually is, it is the fear of man dressed up in pleasant clothing.

Nate 18:05

Yeah, that's right. Proverbs 29, 25 says, the fear of man lays a snare. And that's really people pleasing, you know, parents, you you set that snare for your children, right? It's a parent who caves every time there's pushback, who can't get hold of a boundary because they can't stand being disliked by their own child, or who apologizes for having standards in the first place. And so, you know, that's that's not a good position to be in for your children. Yep.

Three Steps Toward Gospel Shaped Parenting

Luis 18:34

And and what does that teach a child, right? It teaches them that emotional pressure is going to get results, and that discomfort is always someone else's problem to fix, and that the approval of others is the highest authority in the room, which is really one of the most dangerous lessons that you can plant in a child's mind. Galatians 110 is ask us very plainly Am I seeking the approval of man or of God? And you can't parent for your child's approval and parent for their formation at the same time. And so now that we've kind of addressed these four things, let's look at at three practical steps with how we can make this actionable in our lives as parents.

Nate 19:26

Yeah, so and this is really important because really we're gonna see like the gospel speaks to all of these, right? And how, you know, there is hope in working in our own hearts. You know, you don't have to be a perfect parent. Uh you just need to allow God to work in your own heart and through you as you kind of take these steps in that direction to really help your children deal with some of these issues that really start in your own heart. So so where do we start with these, Lewis?

Luis 19:52

Yeah, well, actually, let's start with number one, which is the heart. Yep. Yep. So do a heart audit, right? Yep. Take some time this week to honestly answer these four questions. Am I regularly anxious in a way that reveals a lack of trust in God? Am I living any of my unfinished dreams through my child? How do I respond when my child frustrates me? And do I make decisions based on what is right for my child or what keeps the peace? And write those answers down and remember that you need to guard your heart because everything is gonna flow from it. And you cannot guard what you have not examined.

Nate 20:34

Yeah, that's good. So so that's number one. Number two would be to repair quickly and openly. I already mentioned this, right? But when you blow it, because you will, go back to your child, you know, use their name, get on their level, look in their eyes. If they're a teenager, make them look you in the eye. Yeah, right. Say what you did wrong without excusing it, say that you're sorry and ask for forgiveness. And then you can pray with them. You can let them hear you pray, right? If this is part of your family devotion time, you can even pray then and and model confession and repentance. But that moment of honest repair with your child, repairing that relationship, models the gospel better than almost anything else you will ever do as a parent. And then, you know, you have to move on from there and be different and show your child you want to change.

Luis 21:26

And that's probably one of the most powerful things to do with your child. Like when you mess up, genuinely apologize and let them know I'm sorry, I messed up, I shouldn't have done that. And then that flows naturally into the final one, which is return to the vine, right? What you bring to your children flows from what you are receiving from God. The apostle John in John 15, 5, his gospel, Jesus says this, right? Apart from me, you can do nothing. And that's not an exaggeration, right? That's not hyperbole, it's the most practical. Practical parenting advice in the Bible. Parents who are not abiding, praying, and being shaped by the Spirit are going to eventually run dry. And so you have to stay connected to the vine because the fruit that your home produces is a direct reflection of how deeply you are rooted.

Encouragement And A Simple Weekly Practice

Nate 22:21

Yeah, to change the analogy a little bit, you've heard of the whole like you can't minister from an empty cup. Yeah. You know, and so if you are an empty cup, there's nothing you can pour into your child. And so you need to make sure that your cup is full, not in a selfish way, right? But you need to make sure that you are being who you need to be, connected to the vine, so that you can pour into your child. Absolutely. So, Lewis, as we get down to this, this probably hit hard for some parents and hit hard to us. So, what what encouragement would you give to the parent listening to this as we we wrap up today?

Luis 22:53

Well, parents, the most important thing that you can do for your child's discipleship this week, it's not a better curriculum, it's not a better strat uh strategy. It's just to sit with God and ask him to show you your own heart. And so pick one of the four patterns that we talked about today and the one that felt most familiar and spend some time each morning this week bringing that specific thing to God and asking him to hold it open before you so that you can say, Lord, I see this in me and I need you to work here. And that posture, right, which is humble, which is honest, which is dependent, it's gonna start to change you because that's the starting place for every parent that God is able to use. And your children are not beyond his reach, and the good news is neither are you.

Share And Subscribe Closing Charge

Nate 23:46

That's great. So thank you all for listening today to Equipped for Impact. If this episode encouraged you, please share it with another parent who could use that as well. And be sure to subscribe so you don't miss our next episode. And until then, keep leading the next generation to stand firm in their faith and influence the world for Christ.